It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
