dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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