Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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