yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
