the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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