I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
