Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
