it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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