swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
