The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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