Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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