This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
