Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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