Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
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