Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
this boner is exhausting
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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