it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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