I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
