I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
