I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
