i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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