you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
