On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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