Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am puke
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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