I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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