So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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