And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That was before I lit my hair on fire
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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