i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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