Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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