I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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