I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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