I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
