Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
