I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
