my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
