I will die if light touches me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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