There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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