I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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