I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
