your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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