Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
