Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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