Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
