My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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