Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
