I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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