Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
