I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
