After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
