i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
