You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
