Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
