Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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