apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
