he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
