My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
