Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
