Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
