i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
