We won't sleep together?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
is that a dick in a sweater?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
