that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
