ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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