i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
